This particular blog is an exploration into my ego and how it affects my decision making abilities.
I am most afraid to let people into my life. I have spent years putting up so many walls. So many filters and perceptions that I don’t want to see fall down, because, if those walls were to come down, I don’t want to hear the judgments or criticism that would come from people that I care for in my life.
But the reality is that I can no longer let my ego run my life any more. My ego has almost ruined my life. To the point I almost lost everything.
God is good and so is the universe. I love, that fact alone, throughout my journey. Every step of the way, I always had everything that I needed. Even when I just couldn’t recognize it.
This isn’t about my testimony but more about the commitment I am making in my life over the next year and what I am committing to anyone reading my blog. The Redeemed Narcissist is about the real-facts of my life and how I ended up where I am. I believe that showing my own personal examples will help me continue to unlearn from my old behaviors and will be a resource for someone, maybe you, to potentially be able to mitigate steps in your life towards self destruction.
My ego, led me to creating a world view that was incredibly unrealistic and totally unhealthy. This was prompted by a lot of things, the main thing being greed and lust shown in social media but by allowing myself to accept the negative world view painted by persons not qualified to tell people what to think or say.
As a proclaimed narcissist. I recognize that I serve myself before all others. I am the #1 person to care for at the end of the day. Yes I have a family and friends but being narcissistic means I will tend to care for me, myself and I before anyone else. This doesn’t always manifest as “literally” taking care of myself but more like, focusing on my own self-interest above those around me. My spotlight, not yours. Listen to me and nobody else. My way or the highway.
And as an only child, this “narcissistic power” is only empowered by being by myself a lot as a child.
It’s not fun to “not” care about things or people. As much as that might be the easier thing to do. There is no purpose behind a life of emptiness and non purpose. I was there throwing my life away and not even really aware that I was doing it.
Our minds are where reality meets heaven. And this means we interpret both the good and the bad. For a long time I let my immature opinion of the world create a negative world view. The reality is that God calls us to a greater purpose than our own view; it helps us keep on track even through the most difficult of times.
This renewed purpose of life that I find myself on is much more rewarding and fulfilling than the path I was on. However, because of how secretive (controlling) I live my life my friends and family are unsure of any of my transformations in life.
I hope to change this moving forward. I want to commit to a few things publicly and then be held accountable by loving friends and family. My sincere hope is that I will go down a self discovery journey that will improve my life in such a way that I will be a bigger blessing to others.
Here is my commitment:
To document my journey as much as possible
Commit each day to self discovery and love
Connect with friends and family along the way
By doing the following things I believe that I will transform my life in one year in a way that I won’t be able to recognize my former self. My friends and family who decide to come along this journey with me will be blessed and themselves a blessing to me. And that ultimately I learn to love myself in a healthy way.
Even writing these goals down feels like an impossible feat. I feel like I have so much work to do. But I believe that by His grace, a perfect work will be completed in my life.
Thanks for following my journey!
The moon men will be revealed in my next blog... stay tuned!